He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
Operation Purity has been aborted
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.