Ambien. No doubt about it.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
