swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move