I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
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he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i'm home, then i'll come over
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.