he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?