Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you