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He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
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