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Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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