Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town