Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.