but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
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Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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