so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party