just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
Me, myself and I
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.