Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I wish you could order shots online.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious