have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
