Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i would punch a child for taco bell
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Follow @tfln