well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Farmville is her only friend.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.