She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
