Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?