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You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
My cat gives me a boner
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
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