Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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