You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
no you cant smoke seaweed
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed