So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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