I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.