just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I cockslap morals
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence