Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
