He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Put some vodka in it
put some vodka in it
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.