So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
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When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
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But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea