i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.