i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section