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He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
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