Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
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Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?