We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
