Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Follow @tfln