Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
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Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
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i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
seriously i just wanna be friends
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just pynch a tree in the face
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.