Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
