whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
