They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
false alarm. still invincible.
Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?