He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.