just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
...so i touched it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.