So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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