I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
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I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
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Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.