um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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