i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You dont lie about slip and slides
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Are we still banned from the library?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Wipe that smile off your face.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section