I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i can juggle bunnies
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
nutella sex= disaster
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just fell off a train. Bad.