Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Green mimosas i think yes
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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