He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility