Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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