I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.