well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
