White coat. Heels.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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