I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.